Hello.

Today I stumbled upon this old blog.

This old blog that only dear, darling Zach and Jessica ever read :)

And I thought to myself that I used to write. I used to write a lot. And I re-read some old things. And I wanted to delete the old things that made me cringe, the things that aren't true anymore. But I can't do that, right? Because they were true once. Life, it keeps a'flowin!

I wanted to write a big long post about everything I've done since I only made it through ONE week of the self-care boot camp I set for myself four years ago.

I did move to Austin. I spent three beautiful, amazing years there and met some of the people who helped me be fully authentically me. I think for the first time.

I tried to keep dating that ex, that love of my life. Who is not the love of my life. Who never was, which I can say without any of that pesky sadness or leftover anger.

I fell in love with someone else. And then I left anyway.

And moved to Montana.

Where I live now.

Where I know almost no people, despite having been here for  year. Where I love my job passionately, and feel that the rest of my life is severely lacking.

Where I'm trying to figure out how to turn over a few stones that need turned over in my soul. Where I'm trying to take it just a little bit deeper.

Where I'm trying to write more.

Day Three- In which I learn about worst case scenarios

I was doing such a good job today. I even had my very first call on the crisis phone, and didn't lose it.It ended up not being a legit crisis, thank goodness, just someone grossly misunderstanding what you use a crisis hotline number for.

I saw four clients and wasn't distracted, and felt... normal. I even got some pretty cool news today, and I'm really very excited.

Cut to me completely convincing myself that my (ex?)boyfriend was unconscious on his apartment floor, because he didn't answer his phone for a while and I knew he hadn't been feeling well lately. Real cute, Claire. He's fine, by the way, but I went 0-worst case in 2.5 hours and it was not pretty.

I do believe I salvaged the day. Jodie accompanied me to yoga class in the evening, where I confessed to her that I had put this blog on Facebook, but chickened out a few hours later. I'll get brave again,I hope.

I had another weird thought today. A friend of mine said something the other day that really kind of made me jump. I don't even remember what the context was or what came before or after the phrase, but she said "...and I know you want to be an adult so bad..." I can see how that might look like it was maliciously said, but it wasn't. But all the same I started and thought Do I? 

And, unfortunately, a few hours of thinking lead me to:"yup." Here's this awful thing I realized I'm doing: I'm really scared about the next stage in my career (especially after last week!). I've NEVER, not once, had a legit, grown-up job. They've all just been things to keep me un-poor while I was in school. And now I'm trying to enter the real world, and I'm learning that I'm not an adult at all! And I thinkI started getting annoyed at other people for being un-adult, when I was really just disappointed in myself for always being broke, not really knowing how to cook. And so I was a jerk to other people about something I didn't like about myself. Carl  Jung's shadow, anyone?

Anyway, that's self-care day three. A little up, a little down, kind of mellow at the end.

Boot camp Day two!

Day two of self-care is upon me. Late last night, my lovely parents offered to drive two hours to meet me for lunch today. So the first awesome things about today was that they brought me back my sweet, sweet kitty girl. I haven't seen her in about a month, and I missed her greatly. I'm glad to have her back, but sad that she'll need to go stay with my parents again soon.

We went to a place called Shipyard,where I effectively convinced them that today didn't need to be their alcohol-free day. You're welcome, parents! Here's my brother and my mom :)

I'm so lucky to have such a warm and caring family. It's a bonus that they're also super funny. I'm glad that Jessica got to come with us. So is Matthew, because he is relishing the opportunity to recruit Jessica to the "make Zach come back to swords" team. And here's a picture of someone's beer!

It was so lovely to have hugs from my parents. Sometimes it's just what you need.

After lunch, there was a tornado warning and the weather got crazy. So of course Jessica and I drove around in it, to get her reconnected with keys, car, and apartment. And then I interrupted whatever Alicia was planning on doing today, and forced her to come paint pottery with me. Hello artistic requirement number 1!

It didn't cheer me up as much as I was hoping that it would, but who knows how I would have felt if I hadn't done it. And, when I pick up my sunny yellow and orange mug in a week, I know it will make me smile. And I know thinking of my lovely Alicia will make me smile, as it always does.

I always tell my clients that there is a delicate balance that needs to be struck between distracting yourself by doing fun things, and letting yourself wallow and be sad for a little while. The second part is what I have trouble with, so I'm hoping that today I will just let it go and be really upset. I'm truly thankful and grateful for the friends and family that I have, and for the resilience that I've always had, but I'm also very worried about losing the love of my life and not knowing where my career is going next. And when I say it's OK to be upset about those things, I don't really believe it, but I'm hoping I can prove it to myself.

Bootcamp day 1

Boot camp day one!

I've been having a lot of anxiety since The Incident at Work on Wednesday. I've never had any serious anxiety before, so randomly waking up at 3 in the morning in a flat panic for no logical reason is new to me. I really have a new-found appreciation for some of my clients. Losing weight rapidly and unintentionally, not being able to sleep, random heart palpitations. It's seriously awful.

For me, talking to people is the trick, and I happen to have some good people. Sweet miss Jodie is turning 25 soon and I trekked over to her house for a cookout. I knew it was going to be a great time when someone accidentally ate the potato dish before it was actually cooked, and didn't really notice. Jodie, Beth and Cynthia have a wonderful, huge backyard that seems to channel the perfect breeze. Sitting with one of my closest friends and joking about our college experience while rocking in patio chairs for a few hours is just about the most soothing activity there is. And, I met a nifty bug!

A few days ago, another wonderful friend invited us over for a girl's night of dinner and a movie. She busted out her comforter and pillows and we piled on the floor like puppies. It was lovely. I got to see a freind's new apartment, where she lives with another friend, and my heart could have burst when I saw the sweet message she left him on their chalkboard. I love seeing friends in love, especially when it's with each other.

Day one of self-care bootcamp was slow, but it's only day one. I was able to eat two full meals today so I must be doing something right! I'm so thankful for my friends. Thankful for their listening ears and hugs and food.

Self-care bootcamp

Ok, so I'm temporarily re-doing my blog. For the next three weeks, I will be putting myself through self-care bootcamp to try to hit the reset button on my mood. Self-care for me is all about activities: doing things I used to love to do that I've given up on in the last year, spending more time with friends, checking in with my self instead of always trying to power through everything. 

Why do you need self-care bootcamp, Claire??

Let me paint my last week for you, with just a touch of background information. I've written about boyfriend before, but I haven't written anything about how hard long distance relationships are. It's been wearing on us lately, we've both been rather unkind to each other, and I don't know if we can forgive each other. The tricky thing is: we were planning for me to move to his city when I graduate- and I finish school in 34 days. Pressure is on, folks. 

So that's the place I'm in leading up to this week. Then a family member of mine went into the hospital. Then, on Tuesday, I learned that a family member was engaging in illegal activities and I didn't know what to do with that information. Then, on Wednesday, I had a crisis session go extremely wrong. And then I cracked. 

And THEN I learned how cruel (or persuasive, I guess, it depends how this turns out) the universe can be. I got a job interview for a position I applied for in my ex's city. 34 days away from the end. I can't really turn that interview down. Thanks, universe! 

This week had me running to my counselor with my tail between my legs and shame on my face- I haven't been to see her in months and months when I really should have been going regularly with all the stress in my life. She very quickly outlined a couple things that were happening. Things I'd been doing a great job ignoring. Here they are:

1. I have a "yes" problem. I love my job and take on things I shouldn't. I'm not big on giving myself breaks. One of my intern successors has the same problem, so I hope she'll read this and learn from my mistakes. You shouldn't burn out in your internship year. 

2. I'm not enjoying things or people as much as I was enjoying them six months ago. 

3. I haven't seen my counselor in over four months. I know I said that already, but it's a clear indicator that I haven't been taking care of my self the way I should be. Getting into counseling is taxing and difficult, you really do have to put on your own oxygen mask before helping anyone else. 

4. I'm not very accepting of the stage of life that I'm in. I work way too hard to pretend to be an adult, when I'm really just not there yet. 

5. No matter how much I love and accept my clients even while they're breaking down, I'm still very embarrassed and ashamed to admit when I'm breaking down myself. 

Obviously, these things need corrected. And fast. Whatever happens with this interview, it will be the start of the next stage of my life. The interview that I have is in approximately three weeks. If i do ever see him again, that's when I'll see the boyfriend.  Self-care bootcamp it is. I'm looking forward to the next three weeks! It'll be fun, who doesn't enjoy getting back in touch with themselves? I have some goals. 

Do three art-related activities.

Six walks on six different trails. 

Learn two new songs. 

Actually finish one of the four books I'm in the middle of. 

At least ten yoga sessions. 

One night if live music, from a band I've never heard of before. 

Rearrange the furniture in my room and office. 

Go see a movie by myself. 

Document everything. 

Be brave and Post this blog on my Facebook where more than three people will see it! 

Ok that's it. I know this post has been kind of heavier than my usual spunky self, but... That's kind of the point, right? From here on out, it's all activities and pictures!

Self Esteem

I really love who I am when I'm with Boyfriend. That's not to say that I dislike myself when I'm not with Boyfriend, though. There's a lot of less-than-stellar things that one might say about me. I'm not always punctual to social events. I'm easily distracted. My clothes are often wrinkled. But in spite of (because of?) these things, I think I'm generally pretty cool. But being around Boyfriend is like a shot of espresso to my life.

Do you ever have a day where you are just seriously on point? Like, you wake up a little before the alarm goes off, feeling refreshed, and therefore getting ready for the day takes on a leisurely, relaxing feel. You don't forget anything when you leave, you eat good clean food for the day, and have chirpy, friendly interactions with everyone. Just a seriously good day. I've had a little over six months of these, and it rocks!

This is Boyfriend. I love making him proud of me when I do things well. Good grades in school, tackling a tough friend confrontation, actually leaving a note when I love-tapped a car in the garage. (That was so noble of me because I literally didn't see a single paint scratch.) It must be because I'm always so proud of him, I suppose. I'm proud of his love of plants, nature, and things that grow, I'm proud of the way he refuses to let me argue with him when I'm feeling snippy for snippy's sake. I'm proud of the way he chose a career and took school in his own stride and time frame, and not "because that's just what you do" like I did. I'm proud of him when he tells off complete strangers in public for using the word "fag." I'm proud of him for coming to feminist rallies with me! I'm proud of how often he reads and how interested he is in literally everything. I'm proud of the beautiful music he writes and plays, and his soft voice. (Time-out for the fact that I had a grumpy day this week and he just picked up a mandolin and wrote a little something to send to me and cheer me up. Swoon.)

I'm normally really friendly - but I seem to always make friends with him around. I'm happy the majority of the time, but obnoxiously so when I have him. I'm sort of neat and a little organized, but I tend to scrape my life together just a little more when he's in it. So what I'm saying is not so much that I just love my boyfriend, but more so that I love myself with him, and love the effect he has on my productivity and positivity. He's like spicy mayo on my Alaska Roll. Orange on my green and brown canvas. A fruit salad in my lunch on a hot day. That is SO corny.

:)

(Yes I edited this and it made it look like a new post. SORRY.)

Why I Love Counseling

I do not love it when clients come in for their first appointment and tell me what they've diagnosed themselves with.

I love it when a client comes in and shares that they are uncomfortable in counseling, and then find, after 50 minutes, that I'm really not so bad and they actually like me.

I do not love it when clients won't let me get a word in edgewise.

I love it when clients really buy into the squirrel-ier aspects of counseling: moving from chair to chair, doing art in session, visualization exercises.

I do not love it when clients no-show me five times in a row and then walk into the office in complete crisis and demand my attention.

I love it when my clients say very insightful things, and I end up being the one who is learning.

I do not love it when I can't stop thinking and worrying about my clients when I leave the office.

I love it when my client's laugh at my jokes.

I do not love it when I feel the sad and difficult emotions my clients express, and then I have no way to sort through it because it wasn't my emotion in the first place, so I have to watch a sad movie so that I can cry. Or I accidentally end up being nasty to someone I don't want to be nasty to because I wasn't self-aware enough to deal with it head-on. 

I love it when my clients are comfortable on my couch, and move the pillows around and lounge.

I do not love it when I'm anxious about something else and my client's difficulties make my anxiety worse.

I love the look on each client's face when they have an "aha!" moment.

I do not love when clients seem to drop off the face of the Earth and I get no closure.

I love helping.

I do not love when people outside of work say "you're just analyzing me" because they don't like what I'm saying. I love my job, but it's really hard, and I'm not interested in continuing to work when I leave work.

I love it the assertiveness that I've learned through learning to be a counselor. I can be really good at bringing up things I don't like without getting upset.

I really don't love when I realize I have been being the exact opposite of assertive.

I love the self-care component of counseling - I have a really great excuse to do things just because I feel like it.

I really really do not love when I realize that I have not been taking care of my emotional self at all and that it's been affecting everything else in my life.

And people want to know why counselors need counselors!